


A Mistaken Means to an End

by talesasoldasbelle



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Episode Related, Insecurity, M/M, Mentioned Minami Kenjiro, Mentioned Yuri Plisetsky, POV Katsuki Yuuri, Panic Attacks, Poor Yuuri, Post-Episode 11, Post-Episode: s01e11, Relationship is not focus, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Unreliable Narrator, Yuuri is the Ultimate Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 17:38:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8905132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talesasoldasbelle/pseuds/talesasoldasbelle
Summary: Katsuki Yuuri feels inadequate after his short program was clouded by nerves. He doesn't know what Viktor is thinking, but boy does he wish he did. His panic attacks aren't very frequent anymore. He wishes they never happened at all. Of course, he had to get one at the worst time. He’ll have to let go.He can’t keep being selfish.   "Let's end this"





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on personal experience with panic attacks, and it might seem to drag on. But honestly, that's what it feels like at the time. It's like a state of never ending panic and you just want it to stop, but you also can't stop stressing out about life. In my experience. I hope I portrayed it well.
> 
> I actually wrote this before episode 11 came out. I had no idea where to go with it at first. Then I watched episode 11, and this just... happened. I'm sorry. I made my precious baby suffer. 
> 
> Let's hope that they talk it out in episode 12. 
> 
> This work has not been beta read. Yet.

It was too much. He could feel his heart beating fast and loud enough to hear it thudding in his ears. He could feel a panic attack creeping upon him. How would he get through this? Will he make it? He needs to win. He needs to win gold for Viktor. He needs to keep Viktor by his side. He doesn’t want to let him go. But he’ll have to.

 

Because he’s just Katsuki Yuuri, no one special, and Viktor Nikiforov is too far beyond his reach.

 

He needs to breathe. In and out. _Slowly_. His mind jumps to the cause of his anxiety, and he quickly loses his progress. He can do this. He just needs to _breathe_. It’s not that hard. He’s shaking and cold and numb and so, so scared. His mind wanders beyond simply trying to breathe.

 

He can’t fail. Again. He can’t let his past cloud his future. But he’s panicking. And he needs to stop. But he can’t bring himself to. Why? Why does this happen over and over? He’s better than this. He just needs to do it. He can’t keep panicking with just a bit of weight on his shoulders.

 

Maybe he can focus on something else. Where is he again? He’s in the hotel room he’s sharing with Viktor. And he just needs to _calm down_. Worry won’t help him at all. He’ll just have to win.

 

It’s too much pressure. He curls up into a ball on his bed. He can feel tears start to prick at his eyes, waiting to be spilt. He’s practically gasping for breath at this point.

 

He knows what he needs to do. He knows. But he can’t. Not right now. Why can’t he get over himself?

 

He’s worthless. How can he keep Viktor if he can’t even get over this?

 

Why is he so scared now? He has too much to prove to succumb to these feelings now of all times.

 

Anxiety has been a familiar feeling to him for so long, he can hardly remember life without verging on constant anxiety.

 

Yes, he has a diagnosed anxiety disorder. But he’s just weak. His skating isn’t good because he isn’t good.

 

Yuuri couldn't help, but continue panicking as he thought about how his day had gone. He hadn't done terribly really. He almost landed a quadruple flip even. But it wasn't enough. How could he hold onto Viktor if he couldn't even skate his best at this point? If this is his last season, he wants to make it count. He wants to win gold. But is he good enough?

 

Maybe Viktor was wrong about him. He saw talent that wasn't truly there. Yuuri was incompetent compared to the beautiful, seemingly flawless world champion. Being the best in Japan wasn't even enough. And even so, Minami would most likely surpass him sooner rather than later. He had more cheer and charisma than his boring, chubby self.

 

This entire endeavor was meant to prove himself to the world and to Viktor in particular. To prove that he and Viktor are on equal footing. But it's obvious to see that they're not. How could he even _think_ so?

 

On the other hand, Yuri had done amazingly. More than that, his performance was truly breathtaking. He surpassed Viktor's world record for Christ's sake. And Yuuri performed one of his worst performances to try to keep up. There's no way he could deliver such a beautiful performance. He was nothing special. Viktor had helped him build his confidence, but after seeing Viktor today, he could feel it plummeting down to a level of self-deprecation he hadn't felt in months. Since the last Grand Prix. Since his embarrassing failure. What if he fails again?

 

And Viktor. Viktor was so intrigued by the performances of Yuri, Otabek, and even Chris. The Japanese skater wasn't sure what his coach was thinking exactly. Maybe he wanted to go back on the ice next season. Or maybe. Maybe he's regretting his choice of coaching Yuuri over Yuri. He'll probably even go back to Russia after this.

 

That thought sent his body into another wave of panic. He could feel tears building up, and he urged himself not to cry now. He probably doesn't have long until Viktor comes back to their room. What will he do? Maybe he should just end this. End whatever this is. Viktor is too good for him. Of course, the silver haired man had his flaws, but overall he is spectacular and way out of Yuuri's league. He should've figured this out sooner. He kept messing up at least one part of every performance. And the 23 year old was trying not to let it get to him, thinking that he could do better, that he could meet Viktor's high expectations.

 

But what if he _can't_? He has a performance tomorrow. He needs to put himself together. He needs to do _something_. He needs to _vent_. But he shouldn't skate when he needs to perform tomorrow. It's his favorite way to let out his anxiety. Unfortunately, he needs to save his energy.

 

What is he going to do about Viktor though? They're engaged, but is Viktor still interested? The older man loves surprises. He practically _lives_ off of them. Yuuri might not be enough anymore. Maybe he never was. But now he's not even surprising him or enthralling him. So much for being a pork cutlet bowl fatale. He failed at that one apparently. He was too nervous when it really counted.

 

That's an excuse. He really just wasn't good enough. He'll never be good enough. He doesn't even have much more time. It takes so much effort to keep his weight down and skate with his feet in poor condition to say the least.

 

He almost forgets that he is still gasping for breathe. He needs to breathe. Just _breathe_.

 

He needs to just let go. Let go of the tension in his body. Let go of Viktor. Maybe even the gold.

 

No. _No_. He won't do that. He's worked hard physically and mentally. He is going for that gold. Even if he's not enough, even if he's inadequate, he's worked too hard to just give up. He refuses to.

 

Yuuri is nothing if not stubborn.

 

He just has to pull himself together. Quickly.

 

_Relax._

_Breathe slowly._

_In and out. And again. And again._

 

Just like how his mother told him to when he has a panic attack alone. He calms down. Mostly. He can feel a wave of detachment now. A faint pressure all over his body, numbing him to his surroundings.

 

This is turning out to be a _great_ day for him. Not.

 

He uncurls his body from fetal position that he had moved into in his panic. He just lays there not really feeling anything for a bit. He knows it'll all come back, and this detachment actually feels terrible. He's not panicked, but he still wants to cry. Bad. His problems aren't suddenly gone. If anything, it was just wasted time.

 

What will he do now? Wait for Viktor? End their relationship? What part? The coach and student relationship? The romantic relationship? Yuuri truly loves Viktor. But maybe he doesn't deserve him as a partner either.

 

But... Maybe.... There's still time.

 

He still has time to prove himself to his coach, his lover, his fiancé.

 

If he aces his free skate, then that will mean something. There's still a chance for him.

 

He has no idea how he's going to deal with Viktor yet. He doesn't want to keep the man tied to his pathetic self if he doesn't truly want to stay. Maybe Yuuri should end it himself. He still wants Viktor to be his, but it might be best to let this go and rebuild. He can prove that he deserves the object of his affections. He will prove it. And if Viktor still leaves, then well. It won't come to that. But still, it might be better to let him go for good. He can't keep Viktor bound to him when Yuuri knows that eventually the older man will get bored. There's no way Yuuri can stay appealing in the eyes of his idol for so long.

 

But he can sure as hell try.

 

And it'll start with tomorrow’s performance.

 

He can't fail this time. He has to be the best. He has to let everyone see his life through his skating. He wants the world to see his passion. He wants to do the impossible even.

 

Yuuri wants to break Viktor's world record for the free skate.

 

He'll do it.

 

But first, he has something to take care of. Because the plan is to make a record performance and then he’ll have to let go. He wants Viktor to watch him one last time. However, he can’t keep being selfish, so he has to make that clear.

 

* * *

 

 

_“After the final, let’s end this.”_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. This is only my third work, so I'm still trying to get the hang of creative writing. 
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments! I love them!
> 
> Also, rant to me about YOI and anime to my tumblr: [vanella96](http://vanella96.tumblr.com/).


End file.
